I’m so down. I guess from the game. Indeed, from the lack of funds. Put my last $5 in the gas tank. Got a police clearance to go eat at St. Francis.  No satisfaction from Harmon and Shane. Shane’s money for beer. Harmon’s, God knows, his wife’s rent. But get me into his storage no can do. Pay the balance on the tickets I paid for him. NO. He’s a charity case actually as am I.  Can’t have anyone to the place I am given. Not that anybody ever would. I have been through that already. Nobody gives a shit about me. See, Ed, oh fuck that shit. He’ll just want money.  Well, I suppose that’s all they have to give. No charm, no fun.

Family. Mom used to say it, Fambilly. I’ve begun to say  it Fambully. New password at Maude’s I find very cute, “Don’t Ask.” That’s the feeling. That way they can talk about love and compassion until they’re blue in the face and EDDIE won’t ask. Don’t ask. Excellent.

Now I’ve finally come to a course on addiction. Oh, boy, does it suck. I was so destined to be a substance abuser and now of course I understand that I was. I even see the INTERVENTION. That’s where mom said I looked just like dad. Oh, that was keen. She never liked drugs. She grew up in prohibition did you know. Since I hated the old man I could never hold that against mom. It was totally tight to be that straight. Right on, mom. You was the straightest.

More on Addictions and Addictive Behavior. Oh, Lord look out for dependency. Lord, save me. Yeah, if you stand by the Lord you have a sure and true protective factor. If the family rock and rolled (haven’t seen this yet, but I’m sure it’s in there) then you have a risk factor. Trudge along, Mr. Bryan, at the end of this course comes your stipend. Less this time because you don’t have as far to go. Less and less and less and less. The Lesser Self.

My first module I have to write a 2-3 page paper on a girl developing a coffee habit, caffeine addiction. She is a white girl, 25, who moved away from home at 18 to get away from an alcoholic father. She has had a job as an administrative assistant with a construction company but she doesn’t like it and is going to school for a degree in criminology.  Unfortunately, she gets so tired from work and school that she can’t stay up long enough to get her school work done and so her roommate has been making her coffee late at night. She is drinking 3 and more cups a night. I have to point out her risk factors (at least 2) and her protective factors (also at least 2).  I see the risk factor as an alcoholic father. Oh, she also occassionally consumes alchohol and she smokes.  I also see her new coffee drinking habit as a risk factor. Protective factors are her independence, living on her own and her drive to succeed, that is going back to school.

I need to put that into 2 to 3 pages. Oh, I also have to note one more possible risk or protective factor that is not included in the case as it stands. :-(

How similar the two words are, faith and fate. You are asked to have faith, especially now in these difficult times that you as well as I may find ourselves. Have faith, surrender to your fate. You grow tired of believing your loved ones are going to get you out of it all, the debt, the joblessness, the hardship in general, the old bomb of a van but you know they are not really the origin of all gifts, it is God, the Inner Self. It is your fate to lose yourself in the Inner Self, God and this is your faith.

I got out of my parent’s home for a short while when I was collecting SSI,  Supplemental Security Income in the 80′s. It was lonely. I lived in a small place advertised as cabins out behind Butler Plaza. I visited Ashley’s Pub quite often. I don’t remember how long I was there but the SSI was my means. I took that for one year but didn’t show up for the renewal. I sometimes reflect on whether I needed more personal support. What people said was not doing for you was not helping you at all.  A little talk about need.  A little convincing of the need would have helped. Some people around to reaffirm the need and to enjoy my lack of need in having it, to be happy that Eddie had a little money to spend. I bought a Chaitanya-Charitamrita, a holy book of the Krsna devotees with that money. I don’t know why I gave up. I think about “in here” and “out there.” At home I was taught you couldn’t trust anybody “out there,” especially not the way you trusted people, “in here.”

Do you know what it is to be without people? Without peers, friends, acquaintances? I do. It is very painful, like a disease, actually.

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Sorry if I didn’t do as much as I could have for the discussion.
I was a client once. It didn’t really produce the results I wished.
Watched basketball last night. My friend Paul is out of town, gone
to his Minnesota. He went to Winona State College in Minnesota and
he will be watching the basketball there in person. He’s very
happy about that.
I had trouble with the copy and paste in the discussion area. Frustrated
me, terribly. I am involved with a lot of Left political thinking. We don’t
all agree. To them I say where are they on the Guru? Where are they
on the meditation. They preach against war but they are not against
slaughtering animals to satisfy their appetite, their taste buds. The
bitch about the NSA, presidents who held slaves and expect me to
be on their side thought they haven’t a kind word for my spiritual beliefs.
They call it religion. Simpletons who just want to satisfy their ambition.
So, I am distracted and that is something to look out for in school.
I found it interesting that different interview techniques can advance our
progress with non-psychological difficulties such as diabetes. On
the other hand I have read enough to see applying psychoanalysis to
gaining employment can be very stupid.
I guess I’m just lonely this weekend.
I own a van and pay insurance but another homeless person is
driving it. The things we need to do to get by sometimes. He has no
license. He is a young man, a black man who has been homeless for
years. After working with him through the summer of 2012 I got my
loan from Argosy and left him. That angered him quite a bit. I was angry
too. He didn’t pay enough and sometimes jipped me. He had and still
has many of my things in his storage. He is aloof about taking care of
my problems but his family’s are of an urgent matter. I don’t think he is
even really married though he and her have a 16 year old child. Well,
so, he has my van. We communicate by text messages. He doesn’t
even take a Food Stamps phone. He’s too good for that. So, that’s
another bill. I am paying the insurance and concerned that my van get
its servicing. He is not getting it serviced. Does not say he refuses, just
avoids the subject. Doesn’t serve his purpose. So, he helped me in
2012. Maybe someone else could have. There was a young fellow invited
me to paint houses but I thought that was too demanding for me. I have
diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and high lipids. I have
never been a very physical person and painting I remember from my
boyhood. I helped pain the house.
Should I put this on Craigslist under rants? Should I post it to my blog
for all to see?

Losing? Change the Rules!.

Have you heard all about Arod already? I never thought Arod and the Yanks were a good match but there was such a media blitz. I liked Alfonzo Soriano but then  you know he posed at the bat when he hit a home run and sometimes didn’t hustle to first. Joe Torre could have sent him a little more to steal bases but that was a part of Alfonzo’s game the Bombers chose to ignore. Jeez, when were they the Bombers, in the 20′s, the 50′s? There were no drugs for the Babe or the Mick although both, we now know, could hit that bottle. But the bottle would only worsen your performance, not improve it like the drugs we have today. The question is, do those drugs hurt your body in the long run? We know the violence of football has hurt many bodies. Nobodies talking about PEDs in football. I hear they have it under control. Or is it better hid? Maybe they prefer pain killers. 

They talk about how these drugs and then they talk about records. They lie like a rug about a lot of the records but on that score, who cares? If the second baseman for the Yankees won the Most Valuable Player award in the American League in 1962 instead of Mickey there is no point in asking why the record books are saying it was Mickey instead of Bobby Richardson. No point. Or if Roger Maris is credited with an MVP he never own, the 1960 award. What the Fuck, it was a long time ago. If you constantly hear that the Mets took the Orioles in 5 games instead of 4 in 1969, it’s just a snafu, nothings up. Oh, wait, you are saying that is the TRUTH? THE GOD’S HONEST TRUTH? And then you say that the Cinncinnati Red beat the New York Yankess in 4 games. Not 5 as my unpleasant memory recalls. Or should I not remember. Something about Me, that I should not remember or is it people in general should not remember or should not know?

What bullshit. So, what is the truth. You’re hard put to screw ARod having heard the truth from a newspaper in Miami, Florida, but I wonder if they are so damned concerned that the records are being rewritten. NO! THAT DOESN’T SELL NEWSPAPERS OR ANYTHING ELSE.

My friend Scott Marmorstein commented on a post that was breaking big news, it claimed, about Baba Muktananda. He had slept with all kinds of women, seduced them and I don’t know what all the claims were because it is just bullshit. People like this are not seeking the truth, they are seeking fame and glory. Nowhere do they mention any other spiritual teacher so I just presume they hate this kind of thing, the yoga, the Guru, the meditation, the name of God, India.

It’s not unusual for people to be averse. The yoga calls for sacrifice. There’s no beer and wine and dancing here. People want fancy cars and big money. They don’t want to “turn within.” They don’t want to see God in each other. Isn’t there a scheme already available for them? The church, the power structure? They mention interviews and call people followers but who knows really who these people are. I remember Swami Madhavananda, Swami Kripananda, Swami Ishvarananda, Swami Vasudevananda and more and these people are simply referred to as “the swamis.” I think they are more important than that. Swami is a venerable term in India but in America it means someone with a turban and a flute who charms a snake and/or gives predictions. It’s a circus act to Americans, not God, not spirituality.

So, I have no reason to listen to these people. I have learned a lot from Siddha Yoga. I am not at odds with it. I don’t hate Gurumayi, Baba or the Swamis. Why should  I listen to these people?

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